no more, no more, i miss, i miss.

signals not yt rerouted, hitting the new wall or,

rather, careening into this sudden abyss,

waking me repeatedly between 2 & 5,

"you're neglecting something important, man."

figures long-gone appearing in dreams,

hospitalized, angry, the inverse an erection

against the back of my shoulder.

then the spirit animals in regained youth tumble

about the living room, wriggling

through my hands, it's ok,

we're still here.

I reread Iain Sinclair's Lud Heat to mark its 50th anniversary ("This virus light held high guides us").  Don't think I enjoyed it any more than I did 13 years ago, but I always end up with a notebook page of things to follow up on ("Robert Aldrich, taking the rectal temperature of the times").  He started his career with a love for the Beats, and Kerouac has always made me grouchy &/or depressed.  Ti Jean's main muse, Neal Cassady, hits my panic button.  I'm viscerally allergic to his erratic, kicks-driven personality.  I find their treatment of women disgusting.  I'm almost finished with Visions of Cody & I think it will be my last Jack.  It occurs to me there are brief cameos in his gushing, fracturing, meandering sentences, snapshots of people so everyday unexceptional, or scene-signifyingly plumed, or reality-scarred fringe dwellers, whose presence would be otherwise lost to the swill of time.  And there are some wowser moments nestled among the word salad...but life is too short to read a transcription of a recording of a 3-day weed binge conversation...these days too uncertain.

The credit card has taken a few hits recently:  euthanization, car repair, Ultravox box sets.  The stereo is cycling Stars of the Lid, Laibach, Painkiller, Jeff Tweedy, Seefeel.  I rewatched The Hunger (40 years later, might as well be a first watch) and wondered if an immortal would look out on this Great Stupidity & beg for death.  Just make me a carrot-sucking Bunnicula because I would starve as a vampire, my Cronenbergian fear that ingesting the Other might give me warts and wreck my IQ.