ongoing search for personal holidays
Tomorrow is Samhain. No, not the Danzig band, I mean the face behind the Halloween mask. I'm no expert but I've been doing some reading. Samhain, the end of summer, the last Harvest festival, herds were culled to insure enough fodder to last the winter. Midway between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice October 31 was one of two days when the veil was thinnest between the worlds of the living and dead, allowing spirits to walk among us. Celebrations were held to honor loved ones who had passed and to appease those ghosts that might not have our best interests in mind. Some practitioners of Magick and Witchcraft believe this to be one of the best days to, um, say a few words, get back to Nature. I'm not knocking the broomstick and the Maypole, I just don't know enough yet.

In pre-Christian times Samhain also marked the end of the year. Supposedly, in Ireland, young men would go house to house collecting food for the New Year's Eve feast, and pranking the stingy. When this tradition was transported to America, stress from poverty and harsh living conditions turned it to more destructive ends, causing organizations like the Boy Scouts to plan parties and give out candy to help curb the vandalism and make the streets safer. I've never gone in much for Trick-or-Treating but I like to know the story behind these things. It's odd how people will participate in something every year and pass it on to their children without knowing the meaning and origin of what they're doing.

I'm not about to dress like Stevie Nicks and go spinning around the room (sorry to disappoint) but Oct has always been a favorite month and Halloween felt bigger than what was presented to me. A day of remembrance, community, preparing for winter. A chance to contemplate and try to be at peace with our mortality. A Danse Macabre and a celebration of Life. Pagan New Year's resolutions--what do you want to do before you die? This works for me since these things are already on my mind this time of year.

My brother Howard was born in Oct and died in Aug, River Phoenix was born in Aug and died in Oct, five and ten years ago respectively. Two people who were very important to me, for different reasons obviously, and I miss them. I won't go into the intricacies and soggy details of personal grief, familial bonds, and unrequited feelings for an unattainable (and frankly, unknowable) individual, but my world would be a better place had they stuck around. It's the occasion of an inside joke when I miss my brother the most--I have this joy when life gives me a particular cue, then I'm left holding the bag because he's the only one with the punchline.

My birthday is in early November so this season reminds me that I'm getting older and running out of time. I must look around and see what isn't working, re-evaluate, re-commit. Nothing like a birthday to float the big questions to the surface. Like dynamite in a pond, you might say. One of those questions is, "Who the hell am I?" I've been hesitant to vocalize this thought because it sounds so cliche. It's been asked as many times as there have been people capable of questioning. It involves genealogy, location, knowledge, health, world events, and countless other minutiae. You won't find a copy of "I'm Ok, You're Ok" anywhere in this apartment but I can still do some soul-searching.

Anyway, it's still Halloween to me. And as much as I plan to infuse it with my Great Pumpkin philosophy I know it's also about a bag full of goodies and bumps in the night. Maybe I'll watch "From Hell" tonight.